Dancing With my Father God in Fields of Grace

"I know my Father, my Father knows me
I dance with my Father, my Father sings over me
...and nothing can ever take that away from me!!!"
lyrics from "I am a Friend of God"

Deliverance Week on the CFNI Campus
Speaker: Carrol Thompson

There have been so many good points in this lecture series that it is hard to know where to begin blogging my thoughts...so I will simply start with the point that hit closest to home for me.

Mr Thompson's main premise has been the devestation that is caused by fatherlessness in our generation. I know first hand from having been a social worker that the breakdown of the family is the number one tool of the enemy to harden children's hearts against God. And as a child of a divorced family, I know how that devestation can really rock a child's world.

I have no malice towards either of my parents for their divorce. I know that they are human with all the inherant weaknesses we all have as humans. I still have a great relationship with both my parents and they even have a good friendship with each other...which is wonderful for the grandkids!

As I have pondered the critical points of this message I was really touched by the simple truth that ORIGIN is everything. Origin determines identity. Origin determines purpose. No wonder there is such a humanistic outcry against the teachings of Creation in the school system. If the world system can get us confused about our ORIGIN they can trap a whole generation of people who lack identity or purpose; seeing themselves as nothing more than just a biological mishap between a sperm and an egg. Nothing could be further from the truth. We have great spiritual heritage in that we are created in the image of God and indwelt by the Holy Spirit. We have divine purpose and a blood-bought identity that is of incalculable value given to us straight from our Heavenly Father.

Given this same principle, and applying it to our families, it is easy to see how an absent father can really bring a crisis of identity and a crisis of purpose to a child. There are two things that form or mold a child, according to Mr Thompson:

1. A father's heart (gives identity)
2. A father's authority (forms character)

For boys, manhood is developed through sonship. Many men exchange true manhood for the counterfeit of sexual immorality to prove their manhood. Lust and sex, without covenant, does not make a man.

For girls, womanhood is learned and given value through the father relationship. A girl who loves and adores her father will also be able to trust her father. A girl can submit to a father she trusts. As a woman, this same love and trust can be transferred to her husband. If there has been an absent father , women will tend to find their identity in control and lack the ability to trust and submit to her husband...or to God.

Feminism is birthed out of fatherlessness. Feminism rejects marriage, rejects family and can pervert itself into homosexuality.

As I pondered all of these thoughts today, I was deeply aware of the grace of God in my life! I lived with my father for most of my formative years. There was a seed of value that was sown deep into my heart from my father. I remember how proud he was of me when I would cook him dinner, or iron his shirts...or even go bass fishing with him! I knew him as more than a father but also my friend. I looked forward to his coming home every day and having dinner ready. By wanting to please him, I learned what he valued as important and it helped shape the woman I am today. Family is the center of my world!

There was a time when I was 15 that I had been raped and assaulted by a "friend" from school. Suddenly my whole world went into a tailspin. In shame I hid the bruises. I was afraid to ask for help. It was a short time later that I was in a counselors office being seen for severe depression that I shared all that had happened. It took me almost 3 years before I shared with my father what had happened. I saw his compassion and his righteous indignation about the person who had hurt me and changed my life forever. He never once looked at me as a person who had lost value in his eyes...he simply saw his daughter and I knew he loved me.

Dad and mom both encouraged and helped me go to college. I built a new life away from dark memories. I made new friends...and I met Christ on a personal level!

When I arrived at college it was not long before I met the man I would marry. To this day I still tell him that he is just the kind of man that my father would have chosen for me! My husband and my father are two peas in a pod, cut from the same cloth....and I cherish that greatly!

I cannot imagine how differently my life would have been had my father never been an integral part of my life! How does a young girl survive with all the issues of self worth and identity that are intertwined with the violation of the body and not have a father there to assure them of their value? I am just thankful that I did have a father that was there when I was finally able able to share.

I know that it is the grace of God, despite the divorce of my parents, that gave my father the DESIRE and the "want to" to be a father to his children! That has made an eternal difference in my life, especially when he could have done as many fathers do--he could have just walked away and never looked back...but he chose to stay.

And for that, I am grateful!!

Dawn

Write the Vision Make it Clear

And the LORD answered me, and said, Write the vision,
and make it plain upon tables,

that he may run that readeth it.
Habakuk 2: 2

Today I find myself reflecting again on the message taught by Mike Smalley. Here are a few of the facts he tossed at us:

1. Only 3% of Christians ever write down their goals.

2. God is a writer! He put everything of significance in writing--a permanent written record.

3. You are a special creation fashioned in the image of God and indwelt by the Holy Spirit. The life and testimony that God has given you is worthy of being documented.

I have told my husband for years that there is a book yet to be written in my heart. I am an avid writer. There was a time in my past that writing was my only source of income as I was a young reporter on the staff of a small town newspaper, and again later when Brad and I owned our own Christian newspaper.

I have been really putting some thought and prayer into this journey God has called me on. Today I still have no specifics in what He is wanting to do in my life by bringing me to CFNI. All I can say is that I am glad that I am here.
This has been my Abraham experience. God has asked me to leave my comfort zone of all that was familiar to me and go to a land that I did not know. So as I journey this road while at CFNI I am keeping a tender heart toward the leading of the Holy Spirit.

The more I pray and seek the Lord the more I can see a bigger picture unfolding. So for now, I am just going to keep this journal/blog as a record of the things God is showing me, and trust it all to prayer.

One of the things God has laid on my heart for after my time at CFNI is to pursue my Masters Degree in Social Work. This did not really thrill me because I had MAJOR issues with the entire field of social work when I received my bachelors degree and was part in parcel why I never fully embraced that as an option for my life. So when God started bringing this issue up with me I immediately cringed. I thought to myself, surely I misunderstood Him! So I began looking into a Masters program in Counseling. God came back with SOCIAL WORK. So I prayed all the more.

During this time our church had sent a team to Nicaragua to work with one of our missionaries Sandy Carter. I spent a lot of time that week in prayer for NIcaragua and the children in Sandy's orphanages. I was reminded of Sandy's prayer request of me when she was at our church in April. She told me that she had a friend who was a nurse in one of the hospitals in Managua. She said the hospital was being over run with newborns who were being abandoned at the hospital after the birth. The parents, who were living in such dire poverty, felt the babies would have a better chance if left at the hospital for a better life. The only problem is that the hospital does not have the resources to keep up with care of the abandoned babies. So it finally came down from the hospital officials that the abandoned babies would be left in their cribs to die because they did not have the resources to feed and care for the abandoned babies. Sandy's friend asked her to get her infant orphanage up and running as soon as possible so these babies would not be left to die in such horrid circumstances as starvation and dehydration.

As I spent that week praying I remembered that Sandy said she had found supernatural favor with some of the Nicaraguan government officials and that they are working on opening the doors of Nicaragua for international adoption. As it stands now, international adoptions are not legal in Nicaragua. Sandy said the laws are in process to open the doors and that she hopes to see process become a reality in about 2 years.

God has really burdened my heart of the international adoption of the children in Nicaragua. I have the ability , if I get my master's degree, to begin to do homestudies of families wishing to adopt. It is all together possible that God could put me in position so that we can have families lined up here in the states that are approved and ready to go to Nicaragua and adopt those children when those doors open in two years.

Can I say for certain this is a "Thus Sayeth the Lord" type of message to my heart? No...but for now, this is the burden I feel and I can definitely see that if this is the path God is leading me that my masters in Social Work would be a necessity!

One of the things that has perplexed me, in a humorous sort of way, is that most people get called to CFNI to become missionaries, pastors, youth leaders or worship leaders. And here I sit thinking that God may be calling me to be a social worker?

I am not about to second guess the wisdom of the Lord in bringing me to CFNI...I am just thankful that He did! Who knows, maybe I will be able to meet MANY students that have a Divinely called heart for Nicaragua as well. Maybe I can share the plight of the Nicaraguan children and Sandy's ministry with future missionaries that will be called to work along side of her...and maybe ...just maybe...that after losing 7 babies from my womb, who were born in Glory, that maybe...just maybe...there is a child(ren) in Nicaragua that God has for us to embrace and welcome into our own family....just maybe.

So, make clear the vision...write it down...so that those who read it may RUN steady and sure!

My Vision:

To engage in spiritual battle for the children of Nicaragua

To politically see the doors open supernaturally by an unexpected
political act of the government of Nicaragua (remember, the heart of the king is in the LORD'S hands!)

To pray into existence a missionary force that is called to work
along side of Sandy Carter in Managua, Nicaragua and workers to staff her orphanages

to pray, participate and share the NEEDS for the provision of Sandy's work...financial needs and manpower needs. The harvest is plenty, the
workers are few.

To do my part in getting my master's degree and specialize
in international adoptions

And if it is God's will I even have a dream of opening an international adoption agency out of Arlington...and as a master's level social worker...I would be qualified and able to do that.

Here am I Lord, send me! Do with me as you will.
Dawn

For more information on the ministry of Sandy Carter in Nicaragua:
http://www.childrenofdestinynicaragua.org/

Beware of Critics in Your Inner Circle

This morning I am going over my notes from my first week of school at CFNI. I am still in awe of all that the Lord ministered to my heart this week. It was as if I received a massive download from Heaven (thus the name of this blog) and now I must process all of this because it is just too good to lose!

I am specifically looking at the notes from Friday's speaker Mike Smalley on the 7 reasons people fail in their life. Here is a brief highlight:

1. Failure to meet daily with the Lord.
2. living in the center of your weakness, not strength
3. not memorizing scripture
4. Rebellion to authority
5. no written goals
6. believing the lie "if you love God it all automatically works out fine"
7. allowing critics in your inner circle

I specificaly wanted to focus in on the last...allowing critics
into your inner circle. Looking over my life and wondering why it took me so long to truly submit to the Lord in the area of ministry...10+ years of true wrestling...I noticed one constant theme running through those times of wrestling--The voice of the critic.

This is not to say I place blame there. I don't. I am an adult and fully accountable to the Lord for my resistence to Him, but to deny the influence of that continual stream of criticisms over the year would be foolish. It was not just anyone making those criticisms, it was my best and closest confidant that has been with me from my High School Days...my closest life long friend of over 17 years. Her voice carried weight with me.

In retrospect I can see that I feared losing her friendship more than I wanted to obey God. Sin and rebellion has it's natural consequences and in the end I lost that friendship anyway. Though my heart grieves the loss of that friendship I find an amazing and unusual peace that floods my heart when I realize that the bondage of those years of criticism concerning ministry have been broken.

I am reminded of the following parable: Luke 9:57-62

57 As they were going along the road, a man said to him, "I will follow you wherever you go." 58 And Jesus said to him, "Foxes have holes, and birds of the air have nests; but the Son of man has nowhere to lay his head." 59 To another he said, "Follow me." But he said, "Lord, let me first go and bury my father." 60 But he said to him, "Leave the dead to bury their own dead; but as for you, go and proclaim the kingdom of God." 61 Another said, "I will follow you, Lord; but let me first say farewell to those at my home." 62 Jesus said to him, "No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for the kingdom of God."

I put my hand to the plow in March of 1988. I got saved and hit the ground running. I immediately went off to Bible College knowing that God was calling me into youth ministry. While at college I met and married my husband. My friend from High School had always stayed in close contact with through all these years. As my church certified me for ministry (a requirement of my degree in religious studies was to be recognized by your pastor and church as having a call of God on your life) my friend's voice became a bit louder.

Being a brand new Christian I was not well versed in all of scripture. Part of my joy in being at Bible College was that I was going to "make up" for all those lost years of Sunday School I missed as a child! I was on a fast track to learning the Word!

The more I studied the Word, the more convinced I was of the call of God on my life. The more convinced I became, the louder the voice of criticism became. For the next five years it was pounded in me that the only "call" God places on a Christian woman is to be that of a wife and mother. Anything else would be unbiblical. She had all her passages lined up and though I read those same passages I came away with a different understanding than she did. So her voice became all the louder.

I understand now the danger of legalism. For all of my friend's sincere belief in what she was telling me, I never once saw her happy or joyful about her life. It was a regimented duty to endure for her...far from the abundant life Christ promised and I longed for.

My heart shattered in a million pieces when I realized the toxicity of our relationship. That was the day I was reading about Paul and Barnabus and their parting of ways after a sharp disagreement concerning John Mark. I knew I had to place some distance in this relationship. She had come to the same conclusion. So my prayer now is that we will both walk in peace in the path God has called us. And I look forward to the day, even if it is in Heaven, that we can have a testimony of restoration just as Paul and Barnabus did.

So for now, I just remain bowed before the Lord with a humble and repentant heart for allowing the critical voice to influence my walk of obedience.

Here am I Lord, send me. Mold me, shape me, use me. I am yours.

Dawn

Re-Digging The Wells of Our Forefathers

This has been a long journey. After 10 years of wrestling with God's call on my life I have found the place of total surrender. I bowed my knee and I submitted. This was not easy. In fact it was a painstaking road. Yet, I have purposed in my heart that I will not give to the Lord that which costs me nothing.

I am now walking in the midst of a destiny that I had shyed away from. I am not sure what I was so afraid of, now that I am here, sitting at the feet of the Lord and saying "Here am I send me..."

It was almost a surreal experience to show up on the campus of Christ For the Nations and look around and the multitudes of people who were on this same journey of walking out the call of God on their life. Adam McCain took the podium and poured out a prophetic word for the student body concerning Isaac re-digging the wells of his father.

Genesis 26:18
Isaac dug again the wells of water that had been dug in the
days of his father Abraham; for the Philistines had stopped them up after the death of Abraham; and he gave them the names that his father had given them.

As I listened to Adam's message I was pierced through by the Holy Spirit. I remembered the joy of my salvation experience and the fresh living water that once flowed so freely from my life. Yet somewhere on the journey my well had been filled in with dirt, debris, cement and rendered unusable. I confess, I wrestled with God long and hard over being called to the ministry. I had well meaning friends who were zealous in telling me that I did not hear God correctly because my place as a Christian woman was in my home raising children. I never doubted my call as a wife and mother, but that God was also calling me to something in addition to those duties was hard to deny. So in my years of resisting the Lord in this area, I inadvertantly filled my own well up with debris to the point of rendering it void for the purpose it was created...to bring living water.

As the message went forth, I felt a true repentance in my heart for the years I had resisted the Lord. I knew that the job before me was going to be tough. It was time to re-dig that well! I will have to get my hands dirty and expend physical labor to remove the debris...but praise God...I can hear the running water again!

I am determined now, more than ever, that my life will be forever open to my Redeemer to do with as he wills. I know I will never be able to please my friends who dont understand my calling, but I have gotten to the point that their voices are just faint memories now. I can clearly hear God calling me by name.
I don't exactly know where this journey will take me, but I completely trust my Savior who is leading me.

So join me on my journey. Maybe you have some wells that need to be dug up again too.
Dawn