Where Theology End and Faith Begins

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the·ol·o·gy - [thee-ol-uh-jee] –noun
1. the field of study and analysis that deals with God and of God's attributes and relations to the universe; study of divine things or religious truth; divinity.

faith - [feyth] –noun
1. confidence or trust in a person or thing: faith in another's ability.
2. belief that is not based on proof: He had faith that the hypothesis would be substantiated by fact.

For those of you who know me, and know me WELL, you know that I love to learn. Give me any topic that strikes interest in my heart and I will devour the subject as far as I can study it. Some of you are laughing...because you know me! When I read through Proverbs I took to heart the passage that said, "With all of your wisdom gain understanding!" One of my most basic needs as a human being, besides wanting to be loved, is the desire to UNDERSTAND the people, circumstances and sitautions around me.

This leads to that fatal flaw in my character of always wanting to know the reasons why! There were times where wisdom would override the need for understanding and say, "don't even ask!"

Remember the famous scene in A Few Good Men where Tom Cruise shouted, "I want to know the truth!" and Jack Nicholson shouts back, "You can't handle the truth!!" There is a lot of truth in that! For now we see through a glass dimly, we know in part...but then we shall be fully known. Some knowledge is too great for our comprehension.

Well...as my nature would have it, I've been thinking again lately. My pastor is about to start a sermon series over the Beatitudes, which makes me think even deeper still. I have found myself in circumstances this past week that caught me off guard. A Girl Scout, I am NOT! I was not prepared for this! Lately I am just trying to get one fire put out before another fire starts and I find myself in an inferno while Smokie the Bear looks at me with great dissapointment on his face! LOL!

There is a lot of reflection that occurs at the end of year and as a new year begins. And this is what has been heavy on my heart and mind...so I find myself writing this blog just to talk it out in my mind...with my favorite friends in the "peanut gallery" to shoot spit wads at me if I go off the beaten path...or say something stupid!

I am having a battle of theology and faith.
My mind knows the doctrine, line upon line, precept upon precept...
But my heart studders and stumbles...

Remember the analogy of a person knowing the facts of how many people have gone over Niagra Falls in a barrel? That is the "Theology of Niagra falls"...but knowing the facts does not mean a person is willing to get in the barrel themselves and prove the facts out.

So I find myself in this mental conundrum concerning many things: healing, the abundant life, faith, being content in all circumstances, mourning...

HEALING: My heart grows strength in reading the verses on healing. My mind knows the theology of healing, and my heart knows the reality of healing. Just this morning God reminded me during our worship service that He came to heal. I looked on the platform and there were 2 men, Aaron Lott and Don Swackhammer, that are close friends of our family that we have literally been at their bedsides at what looked to be a time of their last few days on earth...to see God raise them up and and defy all medical wisdom and expectations. My faith that God can heal us is still strong.

There are even times during this lengthy illness that I have had perfect peace and felt quite abundantly blessed...content in the midst of the storm. But then something so very unexpected hit me this last week out of nowhere, and I could no longer SPELL peace! It was like metaphorocally being hit with a baseball bat unaware. I SCREAMED ""OUCH!!!"" And was sort of dazed for a few days. It took a while for the stars to go away so I could see clearly! I've got a few "bruises" and sort of walk with a limp...but I find I am settling back into a place of peace. I may get a nervous twitch when someone talks about baseball...but over all I am settling in again and finding peace in this new circumstance. I just hate that my close friends saw me SCREAM OUT IT PAIN when I was hit with the bat. Do any of you walk gracefully through things like that? I have experience walking through these situations, I just wish I was more graceful at the initial strike of the bat! I find I have a little bit of Tyler Perry's "Madea" hidden very close under the surface of my skin! LOL!

Through this illness I have mourned many things...the loss of a life I once knew, the abilities I once had, the relationships I had with my kids have drastically changed, my "place" in our home has been re-defined. I remember ME, but then a sad realization comes over me that THAT person is no longer who I am. Now trying to find contentment in this is a bit harder. I dont want to lose faith that that part of my life will be returned to me, but I don't want to lose NOW by longing over what is lost and missing what I have here and now. The Dawn that I remember has died to some extent...and I miss her and what I had in that life. I mourn that loss. I am learning this new Dawn daily, but does embracing this new situation mean I lose faith of ever recovering? I don't want to be double minded. I know I am to have an abundant life here and now. So do I forget those things that lay behind and press ONWARD with this new life? Does accepting this new situation and finding contentment here mean I've given up on healing?

This is where my theology and my faith and are at a stand-off...I don't know what to do or how to respond.
Common sense tells me this is where I am TODAY...accept it and make the most of it...bloom where you are planted. If I keep looking back at lost abilities, etc, I will miss what I CAN do today. But is that accepting defeat?

I am at the end of myself. I heard this song on the radio and it really spoke to my heart:

Resurrection by Nicol Sponberg

Here I am at the end

I'm in need of resurrection

Only You can take this empty shell

and raise it from the dead

What I've lost to the world

what seems far beyond redemption

You can take the pieces in Your hand

and make me whole again, again

You speak and all creation falls to its knees

You raise Your hand and calm the waves of the raging sea

You have a way of turning winter to spring

Make something beautiful out of all this suffering

That is my heart cry!! MAKE SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL OUT OF ALL THIS SUFFERING!!!
I think of the beatitude "Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted..." I can honestly say that I have never felt so close to and HELD by the Lord than during these trials...so I know that comfort in the mourning...I just wish for the sake of my witness to my friends that I can learn to respond a little more gracefully when being hit by the bat! LOL!

Remember the poem we all learned as a child...Casey at the bat? In this scenario of being beaten with the bat by Satan, I am blessed to be able to say that with the Sovreign hand of God upon me, and the blood of Christ that covers me....as the poem said....Satan HAS STRUCK OUT!!

my paraphrase...

With Jesus in this favoured land the sun is shining bright,
The band is playing somewhere,
and somewhere hearts are light;
And somewhere men are laughing,
and somewhere children shout,
But there is no joy in hell tonight—Satan has struck out!!