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Waiting...and waiting...and waiting... I am sure it is a spiritual gift for some, but not for me!
My husband Brad was recently diagnosed with Lymphoma and we went into surgery to have his mass and Lymph node removed. Pastor Rob was with me all day long. Brad considers Rob to be his best friend... so I found that to be very comforting to have him with me during one of the most scarey times of my life. There is just nothing to prepare you when someone tells you that your spouse has cancer. So now we wait. We wait to find out what stage the cancer is at and whether it is hodgkins or non-hodgkins. Chemo is inevidible at this point... and we have a long road ahead of us... but we have a great hope in a MIGHTY and ABLE GOD WHO HEALS! But the waiting is excruciating.
As Rob was with me on Monday, we discussed several of the other times when he came to meet us at a hospital waiting room or ER over the last eleven years. That thought alone is both sad and comforting-- just to know the long term health issues our family has battled and how faithful Rob and our senior Pastor David Kerr have been there to see us through all the bumps in the road over the past decade+ of our lives.
I was thinking just the other day of my first waiting room experience with Brad. We were in college and both youth ministers at a church. We were having a lock-in and I came down with the most incredible migraine headache that buckled me. I layed down in a room for a while but it never passed and they finally took me to the ER. That is when I knew I had a faithful friend in Brad.
Shortly later we were married and then came the children. I remember him waiting with me while I was in labor with Christopher and just pacing the room like any proud daddy would... he was holding my hand through each contraction and helping me remember to breathe. He was there when they finally told me that we would have to have c-section and prepare for surgery. He was a trooper... he stayed with me the hold time-- even when they gave me the epidural. The doctor teased him and said that is when they lose most of the dads... but not Brad! He muscled through it and stood by side and waited to hold his firstborn son.
There were several hospital waiting room visits after Christopher was born. He was having chronic ear infections with fever spiking up to 103... not a good thing in a newborn so we held our infant son in our arms while doctors tried to get his fever under control.
Just over a year later Laura was born. He braved the experience of another c-section and epidural... he is such a trooper! Laura became critically ill within the first week after she was born and we were back at the hospital waiting room and listening to the doctor tell us that they were uncertain what was wrong with our daughter, but if they did not figure it out soon they were concerned she would not live through the night. That was a dark night of the soul for both of us. We held on to each other like never before. The tears came freely as did our prayers together on behalf of our girl. There was no doubt that God was in our midst as we camped with blankets and pillows on the waiting room floor of Scott & White NICU nursery...and I had fresh c-section stitches and staples...but could not bear to leave my baby at the hospital.
A few years later Joshua was born and within his first 24 hours of life doctors were once again telling us that this newborn child of our was not expected to live through the night and they could not determine what was wrong with him. If things did not turn around within the hour they would need to do a total and complete blood transfusion. So there we were waiting and praying together as we had done so many times before on behalf of our children.
A few years after that, great regret had set in that we had opted to have my tubes tied after Joshua was born and came to realize that was mistake we wanted to correct. We loaded up the kids and drove across the country to have my reversal surgery with Dr Berger in North Carolina. We had all the hopes and dreams that would continue to grow our family and bless the love we shared with more children. We had our hopes held high that once again we would welcome another little baby Irons into our home.
It was October 1999 when we first learned that we were pregnant again! We were so excited! And then those dreams came crashing to the ground in December when we learned that we were miscarrying Hannah Grace. There was another run to the hospital where they told us that the baby would not survive. We sat in the ER room and Brad just held me while I cried. We both cried. Our hearts were crushed. Our children were beyond sad that their new baby sister was not going to be coming home--ever. Within a few days of being home from the hospital we had a Christmas ornament made for Baby's First Christmas and we had Hannah's name engraved on the ornament and hung it on our tree to celebrate her short life with us. December 2000, just a year later we lost another Baby, Michaela Dianne, and we have added her First Christmas ornament to our tree as well. We remembered and celebrated the life God had blessed us with-- even for the short time we had we had them with us.
We cried out to God about our heart's desire for more children and we were blessed again right away. This time it was TWINS!! Our hearts were encouraged! Two losses followed up with a TWIN pregnacy... we felt excited and scared at the same time! In March of 2001 something went drastically wrong and we were making another run to the hospital and sat in the waiting room again wondering what was going on with our babies. It was not looking good at all. We learned that we lost one of the twins, Jeremiah Daniel which we had up to then affectionately called Baby A. Our thoughts immediately turned to how Baby B, Josiah David, was doing. He was holding strong and had a good healthy heart beat... so we grieved and rejoiced in the same moment--- and again, just held each other as we cried in this hospital room. Josiah held on strong for three more weeks. Then we lost him too. But with him it was different. I actually went into labor and we birthed his tiny little body fully intact in his amniotic sac. You could see his head, his eyes, his arms, his spine... fully human and identifiable as a baby. Our baby. We had the sacred moment of holding him our hand... and then we had a funeral to plan. We had never had a body to deal with in the process of miscarrying the other babies... but Josiah was actually delivered. We loved, we grieved, and we buried part of our heart in the ground. Since Josiah was a twin, we put both babies names on the grave marker. The next two years saw our pregnancy losses of Caitlyn Elizabeth and Michael Gabriel... at this point we knew something was seriously wrong in my body and began demanding the medical community do something to find out what was wrong with me.The Lyme disease diagnosis came in November 2005 and then began a brutal 3 year antibiotic regimine that was equivalent to chemo. There was at least once-a-year during my 3 year treatment that Brad was in the hospital as well. We kept each other company and prayed together during these moments of life where it seemed we were becoming way too familiar with hospitals and waiting rooms.
This last year has been one trial after another. I thought about what we would say if we wrote a Christmas letter this year ...and just decided we would just say "Merry Chrsitmas" and move on! I became very sick right after Christmas in 2008 and was scheduled for a spinal tap the first week in January. It brought short term relief, but by February I needed another spinal tap and the doctor felt it was too unsafe to do another so soon to the last one. He put me on a medication that completely incapacitated me for 6 months, but held the symptoms at bay until it was safe enough to do another a tap. I was literally in bed for almost 16 hours a day for 6 months and life was a blur for that six months. My highlight was being able to go to the DBU campus twice a month for classes in the evening... and only able to accomplish that because I had been able to sleep all day. I did not take the meds on the days I had to go to campus so I could safely drive.
By August, the doctor opted not to do a spinal tap as it would only give us temporary results but rather wanted a more permanent solution and decided on brain surgery to place a shunt. In September, just 4 weeks after the brain surgery I was back in the hospital for gall bladder surgery... Brad was at my side faithfully during both surgeries. I am just now landing on my feet, getting back in school at normal paces and looking for a job. Things were starting to look up.
October of this year brought about an experience for us that I could only lable as being the darkest nights of my soul. I could not imagine anything more devestating that what we were going though... until Brad was diagnosed as having Lymphoma. CANCER. And the abyss that we were already falling into just opened up wider and it felt like we were utterly being consumed by darkness and hopelessness.
The doctor told us on a Thursday about the Lymphoma and Brad had asked if we could do the surgery in 3 weeks so we could meet the new deductible in January. The doctor said we could not wait that long and he wanted to do the surgery the very next day. Fear set in...gripping fear! Why the rush? This had to be bad if the doctor did not even want to wait antoher day. The surgery could not be scheduled until the following Monday... it was an entire weekend of praying and believing for a miracle...and battling the fear that threatened to consume us.
Monday came and we left for the hospital. The lump in my throat was painful and I could not find words to speak so I just held on to my precious heartsong's hand and prayed silently. We got him admitted into the hospital and we found ourselves waiting again in yet another waiting room. This time my best friend Randi and Brad's best friend Rob was with us. We were all together...laughing and remembering times in the past and talking about dreams for the future... and there was still that fear just below the surface that wondered if there really was going to be a future for us... thoughts of wondering if he would survive this cancer taunted me. And as I looked around the room at Brad, Randi and Rob...I knew that for all the love that was in that room and all the prayers that had been offered on behalf of Brad--- I had to let him go. There was nothing more I could do for him but pray and release him to the hand of God... and the tears threatened to cross my eye lids so I closed my eyes and prayed yet again...God, take care of my heartsong... I love him. I want him back.
Time was up. They came to take him back for surgery-- a surgery that had the potential of him coming back to us paralyzed. I held his hand as they stopped at the automated doors before rolling him into the surgical room. I leaned over and kissed him on the cheek and told him how much I loved him. They rolled him away and doors shut behind them. So there I was again... another waiting room.
December 11, 2009 (4 days post surgery)
Brad slept in his own bed last night. I layed there next to him all night with my hand on his arm...praying every time I woke up. All I could think to pray was YOUR WILL BE DONE, Lord. I was scared of finding out the test results. Was this cancer treatable? What would the chemo be like for Brad? So I continued to pray that no matter what-- none of this had taken God by suprise. I knew that no matter the results Brad and I would stand and praise God. And for all my praying, I stood there this morning and remembered the story of Leah in the Bible who felt so unloved... and I remembered her words to the Lord... no matter what, this time I will PRAISE YOU!
I let my husband go. I gave him to God... and resigned myself that no matter what I was going to praise Him.
It was a long and quiet ride to the doctor's office. We said little, but just held on to each other's hand...TIGHTLY.
The tension was heavy as we sat in yet another waiting room... waiting for the news that would forever change our lives. The doctor came in and it was if all the oxygen in the room was sucked out and we were left holding our breaths... and the first words out of his mouth were "We have GOOD NEWS!!" ...and a collective exhale flooded over the room!
He said, "The good Lord must have been watching over you! We were able to remove the lymphoma cells in the cyst and surrounding tissues before it could ever spread! We caught this early! You are CANCER FREE!"
I know my REDEEMER lives!!!!
I don't know what other waiting room experiences await us in this lifetime, but I am praying that they will be good ones! I look forward to waiting with Brad in hospital waiting rooms as we anticipate meeting our new grandchildren some day!
I love you, Brad... the best years are yet to come!!!
