A Stranger to Holiness

Wrestling With God

Okay, it's 2:30 in the morning and God has woken me up from sound sleep...to wrestle through these thoughts on paper (figuratively speaking, of course...I think if the apostle Paul would have had a computer, I bet he would have blogged too!)

Tonight in our home care groups we discussed very openly about our private wrestlings with God. I couldn't quite find the words to express what all was going through my mind...I was just sort of processing what everyone else was saying. Granted, I probably could have had words and thoughts together had I done the homework. But that is another story!

So as I am lying in bed asleep, I recall my pastor's voice asking, "Is there anyone else who wants to share about their wrestlings with God...?" So in the quiet of the night, I find I am waking up and really thinking this through...and this song gets stuck in my head:

Stranger To Holiness
by Steve Camp


Looks like the boy's in trouble again
Living much too close to the edge of sin
Now he finds himself where he should not have been
Oh God, why is Your peace so hard to find
And the answer to the questions that haunt my mind
Oh Lord, Your ways are not like mine

And it pounds like thunder within in my breast
All the anger of my humanness
And though I call You "Lord" I must confess
I'm a stranger to Your holiness, a stranger to Your holiness

Can we really be what we were meant to be
Jesus' people, living by the Spirit and living free
My heart longs to serve, but wanders so aimlessly
Oh Lord You deserve every part of me

Hear my cry of desperation as I see the wickedness of my ways
You alone are my salvation, and Lord I've learned this one thing to be true
Is that the closer I get to You, I see I'm a stranger (to Your holiness)
Don't wanna be no stranger, and it burns like a fire…

That one line just sticks out to me ....about the answers to the questions that haunt my mind...this is where I wrestle.

Lately I find myself wrestling with the lack of control over my life, and sensing a lack of direction. It seems no sooner do I sense God's direction in my life that I attempt to walk in that way ...that the moment my foot touches the path it seems to dissentigrate and I am left aimless like a leaf blowing in the wind.

I get a sense, though, that is not really an aimless blowing in the wind--but almost a purposeful blowing in the wind. I am not really crazy about the whimsical nature of the wind--but I vaguely remember this passage in John 3 that helps me make sense of this:

John 3:5-8
Jesus answered, "I tell you the truth, no one can enter the
kingdom of God unless he is born of water and the Spirit. Flesh gives birth
to flesh, but the Spirit gives birth to spirit. You should not be surprised
at my saying, 'You must be born again.' The wind blows wherever it
pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or
where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit."

...And so it is with everyone born of the Spirit...

I wrestle with this greatly! I am a very task driven person by nature...very goal oriented...and this recent lifestyle of not getting to complete what I start, having my plans have to become about as flexible as an olympic gold medal gymnast is very hard.

This whole whimsical wind thing is very CONTRARY to my general make up...I like my ducks in a row.

I am learning more... day by day, that I am not in control of anything anymore. It leaves me feeling helpless and way too vulnerable...but the reality of it all makes realize that God is in control and I can either learn to be flexible and open to His leadings, or I can dig in my heals and demand my "rights"....well, Daddy didn't raise no FOOL!

Besides, I just posted the blog entry on Passive -Aggressive behavior and the difference between outward obedience and inward obedience of the heart. You can't fully have a "conviction of the heart" until you have had to walk it out and be found faithful in the end.

So as I wrestle, Lord, may you find me faithful...

Dawn