A Friendship on Life Support Just Died

Notice I said a "friendship" on life support just died...not my friend...just the friendship.

This friendship has been on "life support" for over 2 years now...probably more thruthfully told for 10 years, but denial keeps me saying it has really only been the last 2 years.

Just as there is no such thing as a no fault divorce, there is no such thing as a friendship that disintegrates without the fault of both parties involved.

Guilty as charged.

Maybe even more guilty than my "friend".... I pulled the plug.

I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't handle the facade of "friendship" we both mascaraded with...the dark pretense of living a lie. We were no more true friends than a bacteria is to an antibiotic. (But we were about as toxic to each other.) Its just that at ONE TIME we were friends. But time goes on, and seasons change. The few things that once drew us close in heart and spirit are now the very things that repel us like oil and water.

I think there is just something that is ingrained in Southern Women...we must be polite. Add that to the (personal) belief that as Christians there should be no "irreconcilable differences" among Christians...and you end up with two people who just dont know it is okay to BURY the poor horse we have both repeatedly beat to death with a stick!

I knew I would feel bad...and I do feel bad. But what suprises me is the guilt I feel because of the huge sense of RELIEF I feel in just having made the decision. I wrote the letter. It is stamped and going out in the mail tomorrow. The only way this letter is not going to get to her is if she writes "return to sender" on it...and that would only confirm that we both feel this is the right decision.

I shared with one of my closest friends that I had made the decision to not continue with the turmoil of this friendship and I think she's got a $5 bet against me that I will cave!

I am learning the value of healthy friendships...and the value of letting go of toxic friendships.

I just wish I understood why letting go of the toxic relationship still hurts the heart.
Heartache and RELIEF...so many mixed emotions.

I feel like I am at the crossroads. Much like when I became a Christian. I had an old life that I enjoyed...but my new life held much promise and hope. Both held my heart...but I made a choice. I cut ties to my old life and began a NEW LIFE...and I was blessed.

I feel like I have to cut off this friendship to ever feel whole and healthy again.

Who knows...she may feel just as relieved. Maybe we were both just to polite to want to hurt the other.

I guess that was a pretty bad eulogy to a pretty bad end to a friendship.
My son has a T-Shirt that says "Live your life so the Preacher doesn't have to LIE at your funeral!"
I wish I had more good things to say about this friendship...but right now I just can't remember any of them because it is so clouded by the toxicity of the last 2 years.

So in short...We had a 19 year friendship. It died. Now it is time to bury it.

Dawn