Defending the Indefensible

Have you ever had one of those conversations with someone where you thought, "I can't believe I just said that..."

Maybe there was sort of a disappointment in yourself...
Or maybe disgust...yes, that might be the better word.

I sat here tonight with my 15 year old son and had a heart wrenching conversation.

Parenting just does not get any easier... parenting is NOT for cowards!

I feel sick inside. I just defended the INDEFENSIBLE.

It is hard to reason with a young man who is a philosopher at heart. He is a deep thinker. So for every response I had, Chris had a question that made me feel as if I were teetering on the slippery slope of "situational ethics."

They were good questions.... but in the end, all I could come up with as a solution was to agree with him that the situation he was facing was truly unjust, but that 2 wrongs don't make it right.

As a parent, I have trained my kids from the time they could walk and talk that parental authority is to be respected and obeyed. Not just their own parents (us), but also the parents of their friends.

That worked well at 4 years old when the big issues were "Take your shoes off at the door and please don't track mud on the carpet." That was to be respected an obeyed!

But at 15 years old, things are not so simple.

My son has a friend, a female friend-- that he is pretty close to. We don't really allow "dating" but we are okay with close and meaningful friendships.

His friend had invited him to her church one Wednesday night for a special youth event. He met the girl's mother. That is when the trouble started.

The next day Chris's friend called the house. She was upset. Her mother did not seem to like Christopher's "skin tone". (For those who have never met my husband and I, Brad is black and I am white.)

I must've looked confused as I began to think about this. This is a church going family. Christians. Did I hear that correctly? Did her mother really not like Chris's SKIN TONE?

Apparently this has been on Chris's mind a lot since that evening we found this out.

A group of the kids were going to see a movie at the mall tomorrow and Chris was going to need a ride home, so we asked him to see if her mother could bring him home. Partly, we wanted to meet her and see if there was not some misunderstanding. And secondly, we wanted to make sure her parents aware that Chris was going to be a part of this group at the mall.

We have taught Chris that it is important to respect parents. If the girl's mom was not aware that he would be there, then it would be somewhat deceptive, so we wanted to make sure she knew.

It soon became clear that they were planning on sneaking Chris into the group of friends without her mom knowing.

I spent a good amount of time tonight trying to explain, that even if the mom was wrong to judge someone by their skin color, she was still the girl's mother and needed to be respected.

That made absolutely no sense to him.

Chris has always been our child of JUSTICE. Things are very black and white to Chris (no pun intended).

So for him to be forced against his will to "respect" someone who was clearly in error just seemd a great injustice to him.

I tried explaining that as a child she still needed to obey her parents and their rules.

...and the hard questions came...

"If your father told you to have an abortion, would you obey?"

"No! That is a clear violation of God's law. You have to obey God rather than man in those circumstances."

"If all authority is to be respected and obeyed, was America wrong in breaking away from England on the basis of "freedom of religion"? Isn't that just rebellion?"

At this moment I wanted to play the "lyme brain" card and ask for mercy! I felt I was being trapped in a corner by expert legal cousel...and anything I might say might incriminate myself!

I felt TORN. I knew where he was going with this line of questioning. If racial discrimination is wrong...if there truly is no black or white, male nor female, jew nor gentile...and that we are all one IN CHRIST JESUS.... how could these Christian parents be respected for what was a clear injustice in his eyes.

Then I tried the Bill Clinton rationalization! I did not respect Bill Clinton as a man. But he WAS the President and I felt compelled to pray for him and always respect the office of the President--even if I did not respect the man.

He said, "Some things are just not worthy of respect".

on one level he is absolutely right...

But there is the adult side of me that has a bit more life experience and I know that NOTHING good could come of this friendship if it was built from the start on deceit, and rebellion to the authority of her parents. So I tried explaining...and everything I said sounded hollow --even to myself.

I found myself sitting there defending the indefensible...and I feel completely disgusted with myself.

As I sit here at my computer I am looking at a scripture verse I have taped at eye level on my desk. I keep this verse always before my eyes...I read it every day that I sit down and work...

Jude 1:21-23 (The Message version)

Staying right at the center of God's love, keeping your arms open and outstretched,
ready for the mercy of our Master, Jesus Christ, this is the unending life, the real life!

Go easy on those who hesitate in the faith.

Go after the those who take the wrong way. Be tender with sinners, but not soft on sin.
The sin itself stinks to high heaven.

Be tender with sinners, but not soft on sin... this takes an extra measure of GRACE. My pastor shared this verse with me a while back at a very disconcerting time when a close Christian friend had fallen into deep, destructive strongholds of sin.

It helps me to see all situations through a lens of mercy and grace...especially when my flesh just wants to lower the hammer of justice...

So for tonight...this sleepless night... I just need to seek God for grace and wisdom... only HE can make this situation come to anything good. My heart just aches... to see that there is still this kind of prejudice and ignorance in the church.

I just praise God that I have personally seen soooooo very little of this problem within the church. I just find it sad that it is there at all for those who profess Christ as Savior. God help us.