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I was always told these words of wisdom were the key to good parenting: CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES!
"They" say choosing your battles will help your prioritize what is essential and what is preferred...and it will help you understand the difference.
"They" say don't make everything seem so urgent....
I want to know who "THEY" is that has suddenly become an expert on parenting in my home!!
If I could meet "THEY" today I would greet them the laying on of hands, suddenly and with great force upon their face!
Today I think "THEY" is/are an idiot!!
Remembering the ideals and values of my lost motherhood of yesteryear:
There was a time when I had great ideals of how I thought children should be raised. I did not want the television to rule our lives. I did not want video junkies for children, I wanted polite, respectful, and service oriented children that would understand the needs of others...so as parents we would model those values.
Then came the fateful day when a friend asked if she could give our children a game station as a gift. My first instinct was to say no, but I told her I would talk to Brad about it. Just the mention of a game station in the house made Brad look like a child a Christmas! I softened on the idea and thought it would some good family time...but we still had some limits...no TVs in the bedrooms because we did not want the kids to withdraw from the family and go into their own world of video zombies.
CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES, "They" say!!Looking back, with great regrets, I wish that would have been a battle I chose to engage !!
I now live with video junkie children who seem to have lost some basic human kindness skills.
I am beyond frustrated this week. It just seems there was one incident after another. I was angry at the children, I was angry at myself, I was ready to declare a week of Irons Family UN-PLUGGED!! But the thought of the battle that would ensue after such a declaration...I retreated back to nursing my frustration and wondered how to remedy this nightmare.
Just today...Easter Sunday... I had arguments with the children this morning just to get them off the computers and to help get the ladder from the van into the garage so that we could transport everyone to church. It was as if I were invisible and they did not hear a word I said. So I raised my tone a little louder and made sure we made eye contact so that I KNOW they heard my request...and like true little zombies, they turned right back to their video game as if in a complete daze.
This frustration was only compounded by the fact that Brad and I made it very clear to them the night before that we would be leaving EARLY for church the next morning because I was tired and frustrated at being late each week because they wont get off the computer in time to get dressed and leave when I tell them it is time to leave. I give 30 minute, 10 minute and 5 minute warnings that we will be leaving...to no avail. When it is time to go I tell them I will be out in the van warming it up and to meet me out there. Often times I wait 10-15 minutes on them to finish getting ready.
I am relieved that scenario did not repeat itself this morning... but it was a battle just to get them off the computer to help get the ladder out of the van. At any rate, I still arrived at church frustrated and angry that every single thing is such a battle!!
After church today my mother had prepared a wonderful and delicious Easter celebration dinner. I had spent time yesterday making a special table cloth for the occasion. So between mom and I there had been a lot of thought put into our Easter dinner for the family.
The kids, drawn like a moth to the flame, made their way to the computers to finish their game, or go to the next level. Mom was still working in the kitchen. I asked the kids to help me set the table and got the "sure mom, just a minute" response. 20 minutes later I asked again for help to set the table and they mumbled something else but did not budge.
I finally gave up. I did not want yet ANOTHER battle this Easter Sunday. So I told her to just leave the plates on the counter and when they were ready to eat they could eat.
Of course, this was NOT the plan that we had envisioned in our mind with our new purple and lace table cloth with the Empty Tomb scene on the table-- so mom and I took our plates to the living room and ate alone.
The living room was a mess and Brad started cleaning it... something he should not have had to do had the kids bothered to clean up after themselves and their friends who left their fast food stuff all over the place. When I did ask them to go clean the living room, they were securely stuck to the computer...which ensued another battle.
I am angry at them. I am angry at myself. This selfish behavior is not how we raised them. At times I really think their personalities have changed as they have become more and more addicted to their video games.
This afternoon after I had had a nap, I was ready to put the curtains up that I have been working on. I cannot reach the top of the 9 foot windows and climbing a ladder is not a real safe option for someone my size with the balance issues I have. So I asked one of the kids to take 5 minutes and climb the ladder and simply hang the rods on the hooks.
You would have thought I had asked for them to donate a kidney to their worst enemy!
I just wanted 5 minutes of their time...and it really only took 5 minutes after they argued for 10 minutes about not wanting to do it and finally consented to do the job.
I remember back to the time when I had the CONVICTION that tv and video games would not rule our lives...and now I wish that had been a battle I had engaged in with a fierce fight.
It was like the proverbial frog boiling to death in the water pot... it seemed innocent enough at first... but more and more everything I had once worked so hard to instill in my children seemed to have been lost over time as they became completely engaged in some virtual reality of their video games.
I miss my children... at least the one's I used to know.
Now I KNOW how horrible that sounds! So now mix guilt into the already existing anger and I am just DREADING summer when they will be home full time!
I used to feel sad for parents that could not stand to have their kids home all summer...as I really enjoyed being with my kids! Those days have long gone and now I feel bad that I am one of those parents that I used to feel sad for!
Some feel content to write this off as just a normal teen age thing...
I feel there is a far deeper issue of character that is at stake... and I am at a loss as how to turn this Titanic issue around.
I am in desperate need of a parenting overhaul!!
Dawn
6 comments:
Dawn, Oh how I remember those days of frustration trying to get your precious children to promptly do as you wish - even the little tasks.(setting the table or hanging a curtain rod for you.) Parenting is a tough job! You want your children to be respectful, but you also want them to enjoy their childhood. I remember at times feeling as if I told mine no more than I told them yes. At times I felt like all I did was say no to them. That isn't how I wanted things to be. I too, being the old fashioned parent that I am didn't allow my children to have TV's in their rooms. When they were about 18 and bought their own TV with their money, then they had one. We didn't have the video game issue as we didn't (and still don't) have video games. What century am I living in?
If I may be so bold as to offer a sugesstion to remedy the situation. Make Sunday mornings a video free zone. If they aren't allowed to play with it maybe they can get ready on time.If you make some kind of "fine" if you will for every minute you have to wait on them on Sunday morning that has to be paid back to you in "time" this could help with your having to wait for them 10 - 15 minutes. I am a rule person - probably too many rules if you want to know the truth. I do understand that the games (and the computer) can suck you in and before you know it an hour or two has gone by. Maybe set an alarm for a specified amount of time with two 5 minute warnings for notification to get off. These wonnderful computers and video game can be fun and exciting, but there are other things in life.
Just something for you to consider. As far as I have seen your children have been respectful to adults around them. Hang in there girl! You are doing fine!
Karon
Well...I am glad that they are respectful to other adults! There is hope!
I just guess I am the "lucky one" that they save all their disdain and disrespect for....
oh...I forgot to mention...as time went on, they ended up getting TVs in their room. Gifts from relatives...
I guess I really need to get over trying to be "polite" when someone gives the kids an expensive gift such a game station of TV...
But we have stuck to our guns about no computer with innernet connections outside the family room.
Yes...I will definitely discuss the idea with Brad about Sundays being a video free zone!
It has come to a point that it is even interfering with their grades.
If their grades are not brought up by progress report time, they have to go 3 weeks unplugged.
I think I am half hoping they fail a class! LOL!
Hey, Dawn! We've had some of the same issues, and I too wish we had never got the video game. It has improved, however. Here's pretty much what we did:
First, of course, pray about it and talk to your husband. You should be a team about this. Sit the kids down with video games off and calmly (no anger) ask them to tell you what happened Sunday morning before church, how their attitudes were, if they think it was reasonable. Go through each scenario and have them tell how it went, point out those behaviors are not normal for them, and ask if they have any suggestions as to why their attitudes were that way.
Explain (again, calmly) your theory that the video games are so addictive that it affects their behavior and attitudes. One you didn't mention but I have dealt with is that when they're playing they get very snappish and mean with their siblings, especially if someone dares talk or, you know, BREATHE while a game is going on. Ask them if they agree that there's a connection.
I had examples to give them from articles I had read; some statistics, some anecdotes about how video games affected other people. It helped to discuss with them the effects they have on most people, not just their own behavior. When we talked about the kids' behavior they got defensive. When we talked about how it affects other people they started realizing that it sometimes affected them the same way.
Then explain that you will be watching to see if there are more connections, and invite them to watch as well. Ask them for suggestions on how to deal with this, but if they refuse to make the logical conclusion...Point out that you didn't have these issues before the game, and that relationships are more important than video games, and tell them that if you continue to see a connection the game will have to go.
I agree that Sunday mornings (maybe even the whole day) should be game free, and the first time they show attitude the game goes off.
Also, set a time limit each day for the games. They must use a timer; the clock doesn't work because they forget to look. Use a timer, and if they forget to set the timer their game time for that day is over. (I instituted that last rule after I heard the old "I forgot to set it" for about the 87th time.)
Keep us posted--I hope it goes well!
Welcome to the world of teenagers & video game junkies Aunt Dawn!
If they are ignoring your every word because of the video games, it might be time to go through the house, collect all the game systems, & HIDE them. Like you said it's time to UNPLUG them for a while.
Yes, they will fight with you about it, scream, throw lillte 2 year old temper tantrums, but they need their systems reprogramed, to show them that video games are a privilage, not a right. I think you said something like that to me one time not so long ago when I was a teenager.
I'm now 21, almost 22 now, married & have a child myself, & I love video games. BUT I know when to put the controller DOWN. Video games are a wonderfull escape from the real world, but your brain can only take so much of them before they start to rot away.
You think teenagers are bad with these video games, you should see how I some times have to battle my husband off of them, when he is playing a one player game. I've hidden his favorite game before so he would spend time with me & not the retarded game lol.
Tell the cousins this & you can even tell them to be mad at me for it because I said it. Tell them that they can not have their systems or games back untill they start listening to you more with out grumbling & the constant complaining. Chores before fun. That's the way the family raised me & it should be no different for them.
Grandma, you, and Uncle Brad should NOT have to clean, & cook, & pick up after them, all the time. The older kids are at the age when they should realise that they will be finishing high school here in a few years & when they get to collage, y'all will NOT be there to pick up after them, cook their meals, or wash their laundry. They HAVE to start getting in that frame of mind or they will never survive in the out side world, where parents & other family members help them out all the time.
You are sick, & are constantly tired. Grandma is also sick & is getting too old to be picking up after a bunch of teenagers. Uncle Brad is constantly working & should not have to come home from what seems like work that never ends for him & have to clean the living room & kitchen, when there are 2 1/2 teenagers there, who KNOW how to do chores.
I have lived with you before, I have stayed several weeks of this past year with y'all as well when I would bring up the baby for a visit. I have seen how the cousins have changed from obidient little children, to the "Yeah, just a second mom!" type of teenagers that they now are. When I was last up there, they even ignored me when I asked for help of some type. They ignore just about everyone unless some voices start to raise loudly.
I don't think that it's right that you have to put up with that. I hope things start to change for the better up there Aunt Dawn.
Now I have to take some of my own advice & get off of this computer & go clean mama's kitchen lol. Easter dishes have taken over & it's looking a little sloppy.
Talk to you later.
Love,
Shannon
Dawn, your post speaks to my heart!! I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who deals with this kind of thing... but we have an "old" Nintendo 64 system, so I am hearing a lot of griping about how "everybody else" has an Xbox or Wii or whatever. What happened to the days of playing outside until Mom called you in to wash up for dinner?
Thanks for the rant... I needed it!!
Hi Dawn. I found you via the homeschool email group. I’ve enjoyed reading your blog this morning. I like your writing style. :)
Anyway, about the games…I agree with your niece. Video games are a privilege, not a right. If I were in your shoes, there are a couple of restrictions I would put in place. 1) Set a certain time of day to be "video game time". So that any other time, it is off limits. 2) Make video game time an "earned" privilege. Meaning the child has to do school work, chores, and whatever else is required of him/her BEFORE they earn their game time.
Granted, it's pretty easy for me to say that because my oldest is soon to be 6, not 16...
I completely understand your concerns, though. My husband bought a Wii not too long ago, and the soon to be 6 year old, who is usually a sweet and charming boy, turns into a selfish and whiney brat around the Wii. It quickly started to consume his thoughts because Super Mario was all he talked about, even when outside or playing with other toys. I told him that his attitude and behavior were not appropriate, so I would be restricting his Wii time to be commensurate with his behavior. Some days he plays, some days he doesn’t. He doesn’t always like it, but I figure my job as parent doesn’t always allow me to be liked...
I look forward to reading your blog in the future!
Tanya
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