Bad News... or is it?

A long time ago my husband told me a story that I never forgot. The gist of the story was a family had a son who was key to the survival of the family in their farming industry. This son was in an accident and broke his leg and would be unable to work for months due to the severity of the break.  Farmers and friends from the community came around from miles to offer condolences to the family on the son's injury. The father replied back to each person offering condolence a simple statement, "Whether this is bad or whether this is good, we shall see....". The friends were quite perplexed. A short time later the draft was instituted and the son's number was called to go to war. But due to the severity of his injury he was unable to serve the military. The vast majority of the men called to war from his community never came home. The moral of the story was that the son's injury looked catastrophic to the community and the family business, but in the end, that injury saved his life from a most certain death in the war like many of the men from that community. So the father's words made perfect sense in time...whether this is bad or whether this is good, we shall see. Time proves all things.

I received some pretty bad news this week. I sat in the doctors office and just closed my eyes as he began to tell me what I did not want to hear. I literally had to tell myself inside to BREATHE... He repeated it twice just to make sure I understood what he was saying. There was no mistaking-- I understood clearly. Ever fiber of my being was screaming on the inside "NOOOOO!!". But I heard him crystal clear as my heart sank to the pit of my stomach and I felt the tears well up in my eyes as he said, "The Lyme disease has become active again. We will begin the treatment protocol tomorrow..." and he launched into a 20 minute monologue about his battle plan and course of action as his voice just drifted father and farther away from my awareness. I'm pretty sure I sat there expressionless and as I began to pray.

In that moment all I wanted was to talk to Jesus, to be held by those everlasting arms, to know that I was not alone as I was being told a course of action that I would likely forget by the time I got home. The doctor sent me home with a pile of paperwork which is much needed since I didn't hear a word he said after "Lyme is active again" crossed his lips. As I envisioned myself receiving the largest bear hug from Jesus and burying my head in his chest and reminding myself to breathe, it was as if Jesus himself lifted my head to look him face-to-face and say, "Whether this is bad or whether this is good, we shall see...". 

I vaguely remember the doctor saying he felt very confident that we caught it at the acute stage of infection since the symptoms have only been present about a month and have been increasing in intensity.  So I am somewhat optimistic myself. I was undiagnosed for 18 years before the doctors discovered the Lyme and began treatment. That treatment was for 3 years and I was in remission by April 2009.  I had FIVE YEARS of solid remission with no form of prescribed treatment or supplements/herbs.

I know the drill.  This time around I am a little bit older and wiser. I no longer have small children at home. In fact we are launching our youngest off to college in just a few short weeks. My marriage is in the healthiest place it has ever been. I have full confidence my Heartsong, my best friend, my Brad will be with me every step of the way.  It is kind of funny how the world can change in 5 years! When I was at my sickest and darkest hours of the Lyme treatment before I remember praying that God would allow me to die in my sleep because the pain was unbearable. I actually felt like I was toxic for my children and (as most moms do) I felt my teenagers hated me. I truly believed they would have been better off if the illness had just taken me out.  So fast forward 5 years later... My children are no longer teenagers but amazing young adults who have turned that corner where they actually think I'm smart again! (Keep the faith young, mammas, it REALLY DOES HAPPEN!!) My oldest son has been very expressive in his gratitude for my help and advice lately, and my daughter now tells me she loves me and needs me! MIRACLES HAPPEN!!! My youngest son is not so vocal because he is still in the "cool phase" but I think that ear-to-ear SMILE when he received a 4-year scholarship that I would not get off his back about applying for and meeting the deadlines is his way of saying "Thanks, Mom!" I'm pretty sure that's what it means. That's my story and I'm sticking with it! So I have an amazing husband and best friend, some amazing children who need me in their lives, and I have just one more word....JESSE!!! I have far too much living left to do to let this news take me down.

So Lyme Disease, you may have shown up on my door step again, but that is where you will stay. You won't be invited in, and you certainly are not a welcomed guest. So don't get too comfortable!
My medical protocol is only one tool in my box to take you down, but don't ever forget the power of a PRAYING CHURCH... it is the death blow of your defeat.

You can't have me. God did not get me through grad school and into this field for no purpose. So whether your re-appearance in my life is bad or good-- we shall see .... If God is for me who can be against me? GAME ON! Jesus, take the wheel! Let's do this! <3 br="">

a Heart at War: Thoughts on Mercy & Justice

A lot of things look good on paper.

A lot of things seem right in theory, but the reality is far more than you bargained for.

Grace is what we cling to and often our hearts cry out for justice.  This can create a whole slew of mixed emotions. And yet, the truth of scripture is this: What does God require of you? To seek justice, love mercy and to walk humbly with your God. (Micah 6:8)

I was faced with a situation this week that rattled me to the core. It tested every ounce and strength of my faith. My heart was in instant conflict and I wrestled with the balance of justice and mercy. I lost precious hours of sleep wrestling with God in prayer just trying to make sense of what I was experiencing and observing.

My heart and mind raced. I searched my heart to remember passages of scripture to help me through this dilemma. I tried to recall stories of faithful people in Biblical history that could help me sort this all out.

I was drawn to the story of  Saul (Paul) and Ananias in Acts chapter 9. Just days before Saul met Ananias, he was standing there holding the robes of the persecutors who were stoning Stephen to death. Saul led the crusade of persecution of Christ-followers in the early church. He was feared among the believers.

It just so happened that Jesus had a divine appointment with Saul on the road to Damascus that would forever change and define the life of Saul so much that God gave him a new name--Paul.  He met Jesus in a very personal way, and in a moment his world was never the same.

Meanwhile, not far away God is speaking to the heat of Ananias. God tells him exactly where to go find Saul/Paul of Tarsus and that he is to lay hands on Paul's eyes and restore his sight.

I am almost certain there was an awkward moment of silence before Ananias said to God, "I have heard many reports about this man and all the harm he has done to your holy people in Jerusalem.  And he has come here with authority from the chief priests to arrest all who call on your name."

Ok-- can we just agree that HAD to be an awkward conversation with God? I'm just trying to keep it real... AWKWARD!

God goes on to tell Ananias that Paul is His chosen person that He will use to proclaim the gospel to the Gentiles. I'm sure that awkwardness lingered in the air. I'm sure there was at least a momentary fear for his own life and safety-- but Ananias knew God and trusted HIM more than his own fear and trepidation.

In obedience, Ananias made his way to Paul and found him exactly where The Lord said he would be. I am in awe of the faith of Ananias. Of all the things he could have said to Saul, who had just ordered the execution of his brother in Christ...  With God's grace and mercy,  Ananias said, "Brother Saul, The Lord who appeared to you on the road as you were coming here, has sent me so that you may see again and that you may be filled with the Holy Spirit."

BROTHER Saul.... Oh, the grace and mercy and redemption that flow through those words... Brother Saul!  Ananias received Saul, not as someone to be held at arms distance, but as one of our own-- a brother in Christ. Ananias knew that if God had told him to go, and that Saul was a chosen vessel to bring the gospel to the Gentiles-- then God did a work of transformation in Saul that was complete and trustworthy.

As I wrestle with the issues of mercy and justice this week, I am finding that God is bringing this story to fruition in this circumstance that I am facing -- in full living color-- as a reminder of what only God himself can do.

I watched a believer have a catastrophic moral fall this week. It had been going on for a while-- but it was exposed this week. Many people were wounded and devastated and the ramifications have ripple affects that are long-reaching. So far, there has been no remorse and no repentance. I think that is why my heart is demanding justice-- for all those in the wake of the devastation! But then my heart also truly wants to understand and have mercy-- was there some unknown reason that this person could not reach out for help before the problem escalated to this degree of damage?

At the end of the day, my heart is really at war with trying to reconcile just how to seek justice and love mercy... It's really not as black and white as it once seemed. Yet, like Ananias-- I know God well enough to know that His Holy Spirit will empower me to do the right thing-- even if understanding is far off, or even if it never comes at all.

The book of Romans tells us that it is God's kindness that leads us to repentance. Maybe, just maybe, if I can prayerfully extend kindness, this person's heart will be more tender toward God and the process of restoration and church discipline will be fully healing and restorative. Only God can transform their heart and give them the desire to make restitution to the people they harmed.

The more I ask God what my role in this is, He simply repeats back to me Micah 6:8: What does The Lord require of you? To seek justice, love mercy and walk humbly with your God.

It is never a far thought from my mind: There, but for the grace of God, go I.

Please keep us in prayer.... We have "miles to go before we sleep!"

Love, Dawn