Me and My Drum: Hope for the Outcasts and Misfits

 

 

I recently told a friend, as we were in the middle of the Christmas season celebrations, that there were only two Christmas songs that ever moved me to the point of tears. The songs are O Holy Night and The Little Drummer Boy. Her head tilted sideways with a questioning look, and she said, “Really?” I could see her confusion about the latter song.

 

I explained the tears of both songs to her. As a counselor, I get a front-row seat for that moment when people experience the breakthrough from their struggles and truly experience that line, “long lay the world in sin and error pining, ‘til He appeared, and the soul felt its worth…”.  Daily I get to help people, and remind myself, that our worth is not bound up in self-esteem, but rather that we are image-bearers of God, regardless of our salvation state, as we are all created in the image of God; and therein is humanity’s worth. When Jesus is invited into our messes, our desperation, our dark nights of the soul, only then can we experience the tear-evoking line of O Holy Night, “…‘til He appeared, and the soul felt its worth…”.  That explanation made sense to my friend. But the Little Drummer Boy? It’s not even biblical! Or is it?

 

Having been a ministry wife since 1992 when Brad was the youth worship leader at our church, I’ve had another front-row seat to church life: the good, the bad, and the downright ugly. On the surface of most Christian churches, it is easy to spot those who are gifted in the church ministries. There are people who can sing in the choirs or worship team, those who can play instruments, those who can teach and work with children and youth, those who have a gift for rocking babies to sleep in nurturing arms in a nursery, those who cook meals for fellowship dinners, on and on it goes. It seems there is a place for everyone, but that is not always true. Especially if your gift is as odd as the Little Drummer Boy’s gift. It is just beneath the thin veneer of the surface of things, that many Christians find their gift as unwelcome or unneeded in the local church. Their inner-critic voice, just like the Little Drummer Boy, tells them, “I have no gift to bring that’s fit to give a King.” Instead of the melodic “Pa Rum Pum Pum Pum” in the song, many others hear the dark, intense music in descending major keys of “dun, dun, dun” with a sustaining tremor in the music, as if a jump scene in a horror flick is about to happen.

 

Does anyone else know what I am talking about? Or is it just me? I have one of those odd gifts that, when evaluated by most local churches would be cast off to the Island of Misfit Toys (to stick with the
Christmas theme in this article!) Are there any other outcasts, misfits, with odd gifts?  As I explained to my friend, when I hear the Little Drummer Boy, it does bring a tear to my eye when the songs says, “Shall I play for you, pa rum pum pum pum...On my drum? …. Then He smiled at me, pa rum pum pum pum, me and my drum!” That Little Drummer Boy makes every one of us Christians with an odd gift, feel the pleasure of God in what He has given us! And not like we belong on the Island of Misfit Toys. It melts my heart a little and makes me grateful for the way that God has gifted me. So, there you have it, O Holy Night and The Little Drummer Boy are the two Christmas songs that have ever made me cry.

 

God has gifted me the ability to discern and walk with the brokenhearted to care for their souls (their mind, their will, and their emotions.) He dropped me into a profession where I get to do that on a daily basis. He strengthens me for the difficult task to mourn with those who mourn and to rejoice with those who rejoice. I have devoted my life to serving God with the gift He has given me. Recently, I received some very devastating news that threatens the gift God gave me.

 

Let me back up the story a bit and explain. Around 2007 or 2008 I was given a diagnosis of Menieres Disease, which came about due to some of the complications of Lyme Disease. I was told that I was losing my hearing at an alarming rate. The doctor said if the rate of loss continued at the current rate at that time, I would likely be deaf by 2014. I was given hearing aids in 2008. I continued with my counseling degree program because we prayed and knew that was the path God called me to, for however long my hearing remained.  I began to see a counselor at the Deaf Action Council to help me with the transition of hearing loss. I told my counselor that I listen for a living. We began looking at some assisted technologies to help with safety issues at work that I experienced due to hearing loss, such as a flashing light in my office that let me know when someone entered the building because I could not hear the door chime.

 

For years, my hearing loss maintained at an 80% loss that was managed with hearing aids and lip reading. Over the last month, I have been experiencing extreme vertigo, to the point I could not safely drive. I had difficulty walking with the dizziness and the nausea was frequent. I began having the old and familiar ringing in my ears and the pressure was building behind my good ear. I went to the doctor, and they thought it might be an ear infection and put me on antibiotics. After 4-5 days of a 10-day round, there was no improvement. I was not sure it was an ear infection at all, but I did complete the medication. I called my audiologist to see if we could get a baseline hearing screening to compare with my last test. This test confirmed what I assumed was going on—a significant hearing loss in my good ear.

 

I’ve always believed I was given the gift of extra time where my hearing was concerned. I am now 8 years past when they first believed I would be completely deaf. My audiologist told me that I had a 20-decibel loss in my good ear. She said a normal loss for Meniere's disease would be a 5-10 decibel loss; so, a 20-decibel loss was quite significant. Her testing also concluded the hearing issue was not related to allergies or drainage, but rather an organic hearing loss likely to disease progression. This is not good news. I’ve always known this day may come when the loss begins to get worse again, but I was praying it would not return at all.

 

I listen for a living. Lately, hearing has become quite complicated. I am back to using assisted technologies to help in the counseling room, and in working with students. I know, in this season of Christmas, that our Immanuel, God with us, is ever close to my trembling heart. None of this has caught Him by surprise. It is only those moments when I hear Brad singing that this new reality hits me really hard. I am married to a musician. The thought that I may never hear him sing someday, is its own kind of grief deep in my heart. To never hear him say that he loves me again, those moments bring tears to my eyes.

 

The other day at church, while the worship team was practicing, I was praying and laying my fears down before the Lord. I was sharing my anxieties about what church would be like when I can no longer hear. I already struggle with not hearing and understanding the spoken message, it sounds like Charlie Brown’s teacher (mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah.) I remember telling God, “I don’t know what to do. I listen for a living.” And I recall that deep in my heart, I felt God respond with, “Your mistake is that you think the gift I’ve given you is to listen with your ears, but Dawn, I created you to listen with your heart.” I’ve been chewing on this since Sunday and meditating on what this means in the big picture. On one level, it may mean that God has no plans to restore my natural hearing, but there is a deeper level to the gift he has given me that I have yet to discover!

 

As I ponder this odd gift God has given me, the threat of losing all my natural hearing, and exploring the mystery of listening with my heart, I simply choose to praise God for the gift He has given me. I choose to trust Him in the way He has created me. Above all, I choose to trust that His plans and purposes for my life cannot be thwarted by the enemy. I am His. So, this odd gift that I have been blessed with, which often feels like I belong on the Island of Misfit Toys, is challenging me this Christmas season, to simply love, adore, and worship Him, just me and my “drum”.

 

I am reminded of an old worship song called Listen to Our Hearts:

 

How do you explain
How do you describe
A love that goes from East to West
And runs as deep as it is wide
You know all our hopes
Lord, You know all our fears
And words cannot express the love we feel
But we long for You to hear

So listen to our hearts
Hear our spirits sing
A song of praise that flows
For those You have redeemed
And we use the words we know
To tell you what an awesome God You are
But when words are not enough
To tell You of our love
Just listen to our hearts

If words could fall like rain
From these lips of mine
And if I had a thousand years
I would still run out of time
So if You listen to my heart
Every beat will say
Thank you for the Life
Thank you for the Truth
Thank you for the Way

 

Please pray with Brad and I about this new season of life and what ministry will look like as I seek to understand what it means to listen with my heart.